


i knew

by jeonha



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Miscommunication, My First Work in This Fandom, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, do i know what im doing the answer is no, gradual buildup until the outburst, no beta we die like men, the bad before the good
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:13:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29875473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonha/pseuds/jeonha
Summary: Buck knew he was exhausting.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 164





	i knew

**Author's Note:**

> the timeline is a little weird but I'm going to try and hit from post-lawsuit to probably ~4x05  
> a little nervous because I haven't written anything in years so I'm a little rusty-dusty, but if you guys have any questions, let me know!

**one.**

Buck knew that it was going to take time for things to return back to the way they were before.

So when he arrived extra early on his first shift back, Buck didn’t let it get to him when he heard people pointing and whispering at him as he put his things away into his locker. He didn’t let it get to him when he reported to Bobby and saw the slight frown on the captain’s lips.

_My house, my rules._

He didn’t let it get to him when Chimney and Hen gave him a small smile before turning the other way as he approached. He really didn’t let it get to him when Eddie got up from the couch as he tried to sit down.

He got it. No, really, he did. He understood that the others still felt uncomfortable being around him. After all, he was the one who filed that lawsuit against Bobby and the department. He was the one who revealed the personal information entrusted to him to that lawyer, Chase Mackey, even when he knew in the back of his mind that something was wrong. He was the one who made it so that none of his friends could contact him, especially when they needed him.

_We manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?_

Buck could wait. He could wait until they decided to forgive him ( _if_ they decided to forgive him), whenever that was. He owed them that much. This was him sucking it up.

\---

When the fire alarm went off an hour into his shift, Buck felt his body move automatically. It was like instinct, the way he ran to his locker to gear up. Although he knew that the alarm meant there were people in need of help and that he was a terrible person for feeling this way, Buck couldn’t help his lips from curling upwards. This was what he was waiting for. This was what he fought so hard for the past few months. He was finally going to work alongside his family again.

He grabbed his helmet from the top shelf of his locker before waiting to get in the fire truck when someone placed a firm grip on his shoulder and caused him to look back. His smile faltered when he saw Bobby shaking his head.

“You’re staying back for this one.”

The implications of his words weighed heavy on Buck’s chest. He knew what Bobby had really meant. _I don’t trust you._ Buck felt his smile waver for only a second before he forced himself to continue to smile. It was fine. When he really thought about it, it made sense that Bobby would hesitate before allowing him to go on calls. Buck knew that he had betrayed Bobby’s trust when he crossed the line and sued him. Buck was also still on blood thinners. He was still a liability in the field.

A tiny voice quipped in his mind and disagreed with him. Bobby had never fully trusted him. His mind raced to the dinner at Athena and Bobby’s house before the lawsuit. He had always been a liability. The lawsuit was just a convenient excuse to bench him. Buck shoved the voice to the back of his mind. 

_Suck it up._

“Yeah, no, for sure. Definitely. I’ll have the station sparkling clean when you come back,” he found himself telling Bobby as the captain walked past him. Because that’s basically what staying back meant, to be in charge of stocking up the supplies and cleaning around the station. Bobby opened the door to the fire truck and shouted, “118, move out!”

Buck felt someone push past him, and it barely registered in his brain before Eddie got into the truck. 

Hen cleared her throat behind him.

“Oh, sorry,” Buck moved out of the way so that she could get in the vehicle. 

She gave him an apologetic look before getting in, “I’m sure he’ll let you in on the next one, tiger.”

He gave her a small smile.

Chimney came and squeezed him by the arm before he, too, got in the truck. 

He tried his best to look cheerful, though it didn’t end up mattering since they had disappeared into the vehicle. “Be safe out there!” he called out.

He watched as the trucks left the station, leaving him behind. The alarm continued to blare in the background for a couple more minutes, but Buck barely even noticed it. Suddenly, the place seemed a lot bigger than he remembered, which didn’t really make sense since he had been alone at the station before. There was that one time he was arranging a small surprise for Chimney after the news of Maddie’s pregnancy, and how Buck came up with an excuse to be left behind to decorate the place (it was a slow day and they didn’t need an extra pair of hands). There was also that time when Carla had a family emergency and how Eddie asked him to be at the fire station to wait for Christopher. _Not like this_ , the voice in his head pointed out, coming back with a vengeance as if it were angry that he shoved it back just minutes ago. This time, he was left alone because Bobby didn’t trust Buck to not screw things up. No, he was left alone because no one could trust him. 

Because if anyone had truly trusted him, how come none of them spoke up? He knew they all agreed with Bobby’s decision, and it made his head swim at the thought that everything he had done to build trust in his relationship with his crew was gone, just like that. They were supposed to be a family. 

A small part of him wanted to protest, complain, or do _anything_ because Buck had been cleared to work before his first shift. It was unfair for Bobby to bench him, no matter what the circumstances have been prior. He was still the same firefighter he was a couple of months ago, before the lawsuit, the tsunami, the bombing. He was still Buck, right? Sure, he messed up big time, but he was still the same Buck. He had to be. 

But when the others came back, their eyebrows slightly singed and grime smeared on their faces, talking amicably with one another, Buck couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Instead, he welcomed them back with a wide grin and helped them set up for the next time the bell rang. From the looks of it, it appeared like the call had been a good one though because for a split second it felt like the lawsuit had never happened. “No losses! You should’ve seen the way I carried two people on my shoulder out of that house,” Chimney had informed him. “Total badass.”

“Two _children_ ,” Hen corrected, amusement evident in her voice. “But Chim’s right, he was a badass out there earlier.”

“Damn, you’re right. I wish I _did_ see it, Chim.” Buck tried to joke, but it must’ve not hit because the smile on Chimney and Hen’s face was wiped off. They grimaced like he had said something terrible. 

He did it again. It seemed like all he was good at was ruining the mood and poisoning the atmosphere around him. 

Chimney was the first to break the silence after a minute, “Buck, we’re just-”

Just then, Eddie dumped a bunch of damp towels at Buck’s feet, leaving Buck to stare at the man, the towels on the ground, and back at the man in front of him. From the corner of his eye, he barely made out Chimney and Hen shooting each other looks before they left Buck alone with Eddie. It had been a while since Buck last saw Eddie. He wasn’t talking about the time Eddie had called him out in the supermarket because that didn’t count, not really. Honestly, the last conversation he truly remembered was when Eddie had entrusted Christopher to him again even after the tsunami. _When you lost his kid_ , the voice in his head reminded him. 

He still didn’t understand how Eddie did it. Because if he were in Eddie’s position… Well, Buck didn’t know what he would have done. He knew he didn’t deserve any forgiveness. How do you come back from a major screw-up like losing your best friend’s kid? 

“Hey, man.” Buck was surprised to hear how light his own voice sounded. He swallowed thickly when Eddie just continued to stare back at him. He had this blank look on his face and Buck found that he couldn’t read what was going on in the man’s head. He was usually good at doing that, reading Eddie’s mind like an open book, but today was different. Eddie had his arms crossed in front of him, his jaw slightly clenched, and Buck wondered if this was finally going to be it. He bent down and collected the towels off the floor, internally bracing himself for what was about to come. He closed his eyes and winced in anticipation for Eddie to blow up on him. He expected Eddie to drop him from his life, denying all access to him or even to Christopher. 

But by the time he straightened up, now holding the damp towels in his arms, Buck realized that Eddie was not going to say anything. He was just going to stand there and stare at Buck. And somehow that was even worse. 

He could handle anger. He could handle annoyance and exasperation. To be really honest, he could handle any emotion Eddie threw at him. But not this, not indifference. He couldn’t handle the lack of emotion on Eddie’s face because it made it feel like everything was really over. It made it feel like there was nothing else Buck could do to change anything, and it frankly scared him. 

_It’s for the better_ , the voice in his head spoke again. Buck was getting really tired of the voice. _You don’t want to stick around any longer anyway. Can’t have you poisoning Christopher and Eddie as you did with Mom and Dad, can we?_

“If you don’t need anything else, I’m just gonna go put these,” Buck held up the towels in his arm, “into the washing machine.”

He walked backward slowly, about to turn around and leave, and he almost made it when Eddie spoke.

“Are you happy? Was this what you wanted?”

There was no edge in Eddie’s voice. His voice was low and quiet, almost like he whispered it. Eddie wasn’t looking at him anymore, his gaze now toward Buck’s feet. It was so different from that time in the supermarket. 

_We all have our own problems, but you don’t see us whining about it. No, somehow, we just manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?_

Buck knew Eddie had said those words in the spur of the moment. He knew that the man had been hurt and was just lashing out. But, that didn’t mean that there wasn’t any truth in what was said. The words cut deep into Buck and he was bleeding out. 

_You’re exhausting._

It was like he couldn’t escape the baggage that followed him wherever he went. It latched onto whatever good Buck had in his life, and it sucked the life out of any relationship until it left more victims in its wake. It didn’t matter how hard he tried to fight it because, in the end, he was always too much. Too much to bear, too much of a burden. That’s who Buck was, and he was made aware of it more and more each passing day. 

Buck knew he was exhausting. 

“Yeah,” he lied. 

\---

Buck was not allowed on any of the calls that day. 

\---

“Hey, does anybody know where-”

Buck placed the extra pair of gloves down in front of Williams. 

“Ah, thanks, Buckley!”

\---

Ramirez scratched the top of his head, “I could’ve sworn I left my turncoat by the sofa.”

“I hung it up by your locker,” Buck called out. 

“I see it! Thanks, man.”

\---

Buck poured some coffee into a clean mug without creamer and added two packets of sugar before placing it in the refrigerator. After a couple of minutes, he took it out and placed it gently in front of an oblivious Hen. She was chewing on the back of her pen, her eyebrows furrowed tightly together, and her eyes and mouth moved in unison as she tried to finish her class assignment (he was still amazed at how she had the willpower to go to medical school _and_ work a full-time job). It must’ve been an important assignment or maybe she was just having trouble understanding the subject because she didn’t notice Buck’s presence at all. He stifled a small chuckle and thought against breaking her concentration. Instead, he took a small post-it note, writing a small message of encouragement that read ‘I believe in you’ with a small smiley face, and stuck it onto the side of the coffee. He wasn’t too worried about the coffee getting cold since he knew Hen liked it cold. 

He was long gone by the time Hen realized the cup in front of her. She peeled off the post-it and a warm smile grew on her face. Even without any indication of who it was, Hen knew it was Buck because the penmanship was phenomenal. It had been just a couple of months ago when the 118 figured out just how good Buck’s handwriting was. Apparently, he had taken some calligraphy classes for fun in the past, which didn’t surprise any of them because it was Buck and of course he did. 

She took a tentative sip of the beverage, and she laughed quietly because it tasted perfect. She stuck the post-it on the cover of her textbook as a reminder that Buck believed in her. 

\---

Buck spotted the way Chimney’s posture was slightly hunched when the latter had come back from a call. Although he had tried to hide it from his expression, Chimney had a pained look that was all too familiar for Buck. In fact, it sort of reminded him of the time he found Chimney lying on the floor with blood pooling around him from the knife wound, but Buck wasn’t going to think about that anytime soon. From the way Chimney was gripping on his waist, Buck knew that the man had probably injured himself from a rope rescue gone wrong - or maybe good? From the looks of the others, it seemed like everything went relatively well. He saw Lee and Chavez clapping each other’s backs with grins on their faces. Regardless, Chimney was in pain, so, without much thought, Buck grabbed a hot water heating pad and microwaved it for five minutes before wrapping it up with a towel. 

“How did you know?” was the response when he handed the heating pad to Chimney, who was slouched weirdly on the sofa. The moment he placed the pad against the lower part of his back, Chimney let out a sigh of relief. It was just a heating pad, and Buck knew that it wasn’t going to magically heal whatever strain Chimney had placed on his back, but he was glad to offer some sort of temporary relief. After all, if he really thought about it, it was his fault Chimney got hurt in the first place. The 118 was down one man; it was a given that everyone else would have to work harder, work more to fill in that gap. Okay, maybe it wasn’t _his_ fault in that he didn’t cause them to get hurt, but Buck still felt a twinge of guilt whenever his co-workers came back with new injuries. It felt like it was his fault. 

Once he figured Chimney was going to be okay, which honestly just took a couple of seconds because the man was humming now, Buck patted him on the shoulder and was going to leave when Chimney looked up at him. “Buck, I just want to- I mean, I really think that-”

Buck looked at him expectantly, but he noticed the way Chimney cringed a little. 

“Maddie misses you,” Chimney said finally, but the way he said it made Buck wonder if the former was going to say something else. Chimney shifted his body so that he was facing Buck, although doing so made him groan a little. “You haven’t been coming over for dinner lately, Buckaroo. You got a lady friend or something?”

Buck almost laughed, barely catching himself by coughing into his fist. Maddie and Chimney thought he had a ‘lady friend’ as if he could maintain a romantic relationship with someone. Maybe he thought he could too a little while back, but look where that got him. Abby walked out on him. Ali walked out on him. Heck, even Taylor walked out on him (though he could really care less since she really wasn’t a good person). “How _is_ Maddie, by the way?”

“Other than the fact that she’s worried sick about you,” Chimney retorted, giving him a pointed look, “she’s doing good. She’s been eating and sleeping a lot recently, which I’m going to take as a good sign. You didn’t answer my question.”

Buck shrugged, “I’ve been a little busy. You know how it is. Tell Maddie I’ll try to make it to the next one.” _Liar_ , the voice in his head tutted. Buck ignored it and instead pointed at the heating pad with his chin. “Take it easy, Chim.”

He left before Chimney could ask more questions, like why he couldn’t tell Maddie himself. 

\---

A month in and Buck still wasn’t allowed on any of the calls. In the beginning, whenever the bell rang, Buck found himself gearing up by wearing his turncoat and grabbing his helmet every single time. But every single time, Bobby shook his head and gripped his shoulder. He had the same tight smile on his face. 

“You’re staying back for this one.”

 _He means forever,_ the voice in his head smirked. Or at least that was what he envisioned because voices normally don’t smirk. _He’s never going to let you go out on a call. Why would he? Have you proven that you can be trusted? Do you think they feel safe with you having their backs? As if._

A month in and Buck stopped paying attention to the alarm blasting in the background. He stopped paying attention to the way everyone scrambled to get ready to go out and help people. He stopped paying attention to Chimney and Hen as they took a roundabout way to get to the lockers in order to avoid him. He stopped paying attention to Eddie who continued to stare at him from afar. He stopped paying attention to the back of Bobby’s head as the captain got on the fire engine without looking back. 

A month in and Buck forgot what he fought so hard for. 

He found himself drawing away from those he called his family. He was still talking with Chimney and Hen whenever they struck a conversation with him, but even Buck could tell that it was forced. In fact, Chimney was probably just talking to him because he was Maddie’s brother if he was really being honest. It stung, but it was the truth. 

Bobby and Eddie were out of the equation from the get-go, and a small part of Buck was glad. He didn’t know if he could deal with the both of them right now. It was weird because he really wanted to talk with them, to gain their forgiveness and have everything go back to the way things were, but also he was just mad at them. Honestly, he figured this anger also extended to Chimney and Hen. Maybe even Maddie or Athena, if he really thought about it. He didn’t know what he was mad about. Was he mad at them for leaving him behind? Was he mad at them for being so okay with him gone? Both? Or maybe they were the same thing. He didn’t know. Buck wanted to tear out his hair.

It was so frustrating feeling this way 24/7. He was so tired. 

_What about Christopher?_ It was the voice in his head that asked the question quietly. Images of the kid flashed by Buck’s eyes, and he couldn’t stop the tears from welling up. 

_No, not Christopher_ , he decided. How could he get mad at the one person who never made him feel unwanted? Christopher was his Superman. 

He suddenly felt a pang of sadness. When was the last time he talked to Christopher? When was the last time he _saw_ Christopher? 

_Do you know how much Christopher misses you?_

He missed the kid so much. 

Even before the voice in his head spoke, Buck knew. _Don’t go near him. Don’t poison him like you always do. Don’t go near him. Don’t go near him._

 _I know_ , he told the voice. 

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't know where to end this (I did, but it would've just been like 1000 words then) so it ended up being a little bit longer than I originally planned : - )  
> I'll add more tags as I go


End file.
